Vanilla is not “plain” and it’s not lesser. Sometimes, taking that permission slip can be surprisingly scary. In a vanilla setting, I have to grant myself that permission without a role to do it for me. Kink gives me a huge amount of permission to lie back and have things done to me without worrying, or to ask for exactly what I want without apology. When I’m fucking someone as an equal, I worry about coming across as too bossy, too demanding, too needy if I ask them to go harder, faster, slower, more gently, a little to the right. Am I doing this properly? Are they having a good time? Do they like what I’m doing and will they tell me if they don’t? And on the flip side, without a veneer of Dominance to hide it behind, asking for what I want is fucking scary. In vanilla sex, with nobody to tell me what to do, the doubts start to creep in. I’m also hyper tuned in to my partner’s reactions, because it is my responsibility to keep them safe. When I’m Dominant, I don’t have to feel guilty about asking for what I want, because that’s the entire damn point. I don’t have to make decisions and I can relax into the safety of letting somebody else be in charge. I am literally doing exactly what they tell me to do. When I’m submitting, I feel confident that I’m doing what my Dominant partner wants. With no-one to tell me what to do, the insecurities start to creep in. That’s why, paradoxically, I’ll do kinky shit with fairly casual partners but only completely vanilla sex with someone I deeply love and trust. To let someone see me – really see me, stripped back, with no role to hide behind – can be terrifying. This is a profoundly vulnerable place for me to go to. But in plain old sex, I’m just Amy, with all the roles and pretenses stripped away. In a kink scene, I can be a victim, a willing slave, a feisty brat or a good girl. But what might also surprise you – it certainly surprised me when I realised it – is that vanilla sex can sometimes feel scarier to me than kink play. Not all the time – it’d bore the pants off me (um, as it were) if I had it too often! I need at least chocolate sprinkles the vast majority of the time. What might surprise you is that I love vanilla sex. The vast majority of my sex involves some kind of power exchange element, though the level varies depending on my mood and my relationship with the other person. You might be unsurprised to know that your girl over here, who runs a blog called “Coffee and Kink,” doesn’t have vanilla sex that often.
Therefore, today I’m going to talk about my relationship to the V Word. I’ve never been in a truly vanilla relationship. At some point, we can all find ourselves in a similar situation.”
Vanilla sex how to#
And some find themselves thinking about kink while worrying about how to tell their vanilla partner. Others are happily kinky but still single.
Some people are married and happily kinky. Kayla and John say: “Everyone is at a different point in life. Doing something a bit different with my # KinkMonth post today, and talking about… vanilla sex! Today’s prompt, which comes as ever from Kayla Lords’ awesome 30 Days of D/s, deals with introducing kink to a previously vanilla relationship.
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